New Chapter

Two years ago I shaved my head. Now, I am silent.

Two years ago, I emerged from my Halloween Weekend at the Grand Canyon with a shaved head.

Grand canyon
I was in a very differently place in my life. (To read about it, go: here).

Today, I find myself in another, but different, transitory chapter.

The year before I shaved my head,  everything in my life felt like it was coming to a head.  My best friend was dying, my relationship at the time hit a fork in the road, my parents were not supportive of my life choices.  I felt like loss was all around me, and I was stressed out! 
I had little to grasp, little I could trust.  Except I was grasping, I was clutching my throat.  It took me some time to figure out, this is where I carried most of my tension.

In 2013, my voice teacher suggested I see an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat Doctor).  My voice sounded and felt tired, so I went.  The ENT discovered nodules on my vocal chords.  After 6 months of voice therapy and a lot of vocal rest, the nodules practically shrank and my vocal chords looked healthier. Whenever, I felt a lump in my throat or could tell I was storing tension, I would give myself some voice rest. I saved phone calls for another day.  I chilled out and dove into hot yoga. The humid room was my haven!

This past September, I knew it was time to go back for a check up to the ENT.  Things were feeling uncomfortably familiar, so I wanted to be responsible, and thus started a thorough investigation.  ENT #1 said I needed surgery. ENT #2 said I needed surgery.  ENT #3 & Speech Pathologist, said I should do 75% vocal rest, in addition to some lifestyle changes to rule out acid reflux for 6 weeks & then return for reevaulation.

What does 75% vocal rest mean?
I can still work during this time – yay!  But other than that, I’m doing shut-up therapy.  I’m writing emails, texts, jotting on a notepad & white board to communicate with people, when I’m not at work.  I want to see serious changes and possibly avoid surgery, so I am down to do whatever it takes.  It’s tedious, annoying, frustrating, and even funny.

Have you ever had an opportunity in your life where you leapt?  Maybe your leap was more like a launch.  Maybe you fell through the air for a while, but then landed on a springboard that hurled you at light speed into the next beautiful phase of your life.  If only all growth periods could act like these – growth spurts.

I feel so grateful for this opportunity, finally.  I feel incredibly lucky.  I realize this is another time in my life where I get to change, BIG.

I say finally, however it’s only been five days that I’ve been in these particular trenches.  They have been challenging days, and I have been confronted SMACK in the throat with my control issues.  I literally can do nothing at this point, but accept this period of silence, and inevitable healing.  I realize that I have an amazing opportunity to completely change my life for the better.  To actually let go, relax, submit, give up, and accept peace above all.


This year’s Halloween Costume.

And ya know what, even find JOY!

(Stay tuned, there’s more to come…..)

To Blog or Not to Blog, Again.

I have been wanting to start blogging again, for awhile now.

The main excuse that has kept me from doing so?  I didn’t want my mom to read it.

I started this blog in November 2014, with the post “Why I Shaved My Head.” (Check it out: here). I was excited to start a journey of self-exploration and adventure, hoping to continually inspire (myself, and others) along the way.

I went to Portugal last summer, and wanted to blog during the experience.  I made one fatal mistake.  I told my mom.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother.  I respect her, and think she is the most patient woman I know.  She is the reason my entire childhood was so much fun!  She’s a great woman, whom I have learned a lot from.

In Portugal, I wanted her to feel connected to me.  Plus, I knew she would appreciate the details I wrote about.  However, soon enough, I realized I was beginning to censor myself.

One terrible habit I picked up from my dad – “Protect your mother, because essentially she can’t handle it.  She’ll get too emotional” (my paraphrasing).   Wow, Dad. Wow.  There is too much to unpack in these paraphrased ideas, maybe for another post.

I have never wanted my parents to worry about me, or make them sad.  I do not want to hurt them.  I want them to know that their daughter is doing just fine, and she’s happy and healthy.  That is in fact true.  However, in order to stay happy and healthy, I go to therapy and I cry, and I hash out the things that come up in life.  I am  working on my communication with my parents, and navigating the line between communication and boundaries.

When I was in Portugal, I wrote a blog that only stayed up for about a day.  I don’t remember what it said, maybe something about my mom.  She told me it offended her, and so I took it down after about a day.

When considering blogging again, I was going to start a second blog, hoping my mother wouldn’t find it.  I want to be able to fully express myself, without conscious or subconscious censorship.  I want to talk about things I’m learning about myself.  I want to talk about my relationships.

Ultimately, I have decided to keep this blog, after encouragement from my close friend Rachel.  I love the name of this website, and everything that it inspires me to be.  I originally thought long and hard about the name, and what it means to me.  If I start a new blog, I would be hiding behind a new name, and giving up on Unrelenting Hannah.

So I decided to keep this blog and continue writing, unrelentingly.