New Chapter

Two years ago I shaved my head. Now, I am silent.

Two years ago, I emerged from my Halloween Weekend at the Grand Canyon with a shaved head.

Grand canyon
I was in a very differently place in my life. (To read about it, go: here).

Today, I find myself in another, but different, transitory chapter.

The year before I shaved my head,  everything in my life felt like it was coming to a head.  My best friend was dying, my relationship at the time hit a fork in the road, my parents were not supportive of my life choices.  I felt like loss was all around me, and I was stressed out! 
I had little to grasp, little I could trust.  Except I was grasping, I was clutching my throat.  It took me some time to figure out, this is where I carried most of my tension.

In 2013, my voice teacher suggested I see an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat Doctor).  My voice sounded and felt tired, so I went.  The ENT discovered nodules on my vocal chords.  After 6 months of voice therapy and a lot of vocal rest, the nodules practically shrank and my vocal chords looked healthier. Whenever, I felt a lump in my throat or could tell I was storing tension, I would give myself some voice rest. I saved phone calls for another day.  I chilled out and dove into hot yoga. The humid room was my haven!

This past September, I knew it was time to go back for a check up to the ENT.  Things were feeling uncomfortably familiar, so I wanted to be responsible, and thus started a thorough investigation.  ENT #1 said I needed surgery. ENT #2 said I needed surgery.  ENT #3 & Speech Pathologist, said I should do 75% vocal rest, in addition to some lifestyle changes to rule out acid reflux for 6 weeks & then return for reevaulation.

What does 75% vocal rest mean?
I can still work during this time – yay!  But other than that, I’m doing shut-up therapy.  I’m writing emails, texts, jotting on a notepad & white board to communicate with people, when I’m not at work.  I want to see serious changes and possibly avoid surgery, so I am down to do whatever it takes.  It’s tedious, annoying, frustrating, and even funny.

Have you ever had an opportunity in your life where you leapt?  Maybe your leap was more like a launch.  Maybe you fell through the air for a while, but then landed on a springboard that hurled you at light speed into the next beautiful phase of your life.  If only all growth periods could act like these – growth spurts.

I feel so grateful for this opportunity, finally.  I feel incredibly lucky.  I realize this is another time in my life where I get to change, BIG.

I say finally, however it’s only been five days that I’ve been in these particular trenches.  They have been challenging days, and I have been confronted SMACK in the throat with my control issues.  I literally can do nothing at this point, but accept this period of silence, and inevitable healing.  I realize that I have an amazing opportunity to completely change my life for the better.  To actually let go, relax, submit, give up, and accept peace above all.

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This year’s Halloween Costume.

And ya know what, even find JOY!

(Stay tuned, there’s more to come…..)
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“Lift Off and Let Go.” Or, “Portugal Bound.”

As I lifted off, Ella Fitzgerald was singing “God Bless the Child” on the flight’s Jazz Mix. The sun was setting in the West, as we headed out over the water. It was the most beautiful moment. Pure Elation, would be putting it mildly, or accurately. Finally!

Just 30 minutes before arriving at the airport to depart, I went through a cycle of emotions. I was anxious, annoyed, snippy, flustered, nervous, fearful, sad, regretful even. I actually said, “I don’t want to go.” I am a controlling person by nature, or nurture; and the idea of flying off into the unknown is unsettling. This time, I did not pack my little black schedule book. I left it back in the States, where it belongs. I did not want a calendar to dictate my trip. Instead, I would surrender to the whims of spontaneity.

It’s scary to let go. It’s not easy to do, especially for the overly sentimental, like myself. My whole life I have practiced saving things that have memories attached to them. I have stored them neatly in boxes, with the year labeled on the outside. I have done this since I was 9 years old, and have a box for almost every year of my life.

While I was planning this trip to Portugal, I was also moving out of my apartment. I packed up my whole life. Every single last box, placed in another box, that was placed in an even bigger box – a 5’x15’x13′ storage unit. It took me about a week and a half to slowly move my life into this storage unit. As I did, I realized I have too much stuff.  Very little of it has been serving me, but rather keeping me busy – a Controlled Chaos, if you will.

Over the past year, I have been inspired to simplify my life more. I long to live in the moment, and not live by a rigid and unwavering plan. I want to be more flexible, and part of that is knowing I can’t do this all at once. Change takes time.  For now, I’m leaving everything behind and will have to sift through it all when I return and decide what is worth keeping in my life – practicing patience, flexibility and Grace.

Ultimately, I was excited in the car ride on the way to the airport.
I was just nervous to step outside the box of a life in-control.

What in your life is not serving you?
What are you tempted to let go of?
A piece of furniture? A relationship? A job? A bad attitude? Fear?
What is the best possible outcome if you do LET GO?

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