I have been wanting to start blogging again, for awhile now.
The main excuse that has kept me from doing so? I didn’t want my mom to read it.
I started this blog in November 2014, with the post “Why I Shaved My Head.” (Check it out: here). I was excited to start a journey of self-exploration and adventure, hoping to continually inspire (myself, and others) along the way.
I went to Portugal last summer, and wanted to blog during the experience. I made one fatal mistake. I told my mom.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother. I respect her, and think she is the most patient woman I know. She is the reason my entire childhood was so much fun! She’s a great woman, whom I have learned a lot from.
In Portugal, I wanted her to feel connected to me. Plus, I knew she would appreciate the details I wrote about. However, soon enough, I realized I was beginning to censor myself.
One terrible habit I picked up from my dad – “Protect your mother, because essentially she can’t handle it. She’ll get too emotional” (my paraphrasing). Wow, Dad. Wow. There is too much to unpack in these paraphrased ideas, maybe for another post.
I have never wanted my parents to worry about me, or make them sad. I do not want to hurt them. I want them to know that their daughter is doing just fine, and she’s happy and healthy. That is in fact true. However, in order to stay happy and healthy, I go to therapy and I cry, and I hash out the things that come up in life. I am working on my communication with my parents, and navigating the line between communication and boundaries.
When I was in Portugal, I wrote a blog that only stayed up for about a day. I don’t remember what it said, maybe something about my mom. She told me it offended her, and so I took it down after about a day.
When considering blogging again, I was going to start a second blog, hoping my mother wouldn’t find it. I want to be able to fully express myself, without conscious or subconscious censorship. I want to talk about things I’m learning about myself. I want to talk about my relationships.
Ultimately, I have decided to keep this blog, after encouragement from my close friend Rachel. I love the name of this website, and everything that it inspires me to be. I originally thought long and hard about the name, and what it means to me. If I start a new blog, I would be hiding behind a new name, and giving up on Unrelenting Hannah.
So I decided to keep this blog and continue writing, unrelentingly.